yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
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The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
#Caturday
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.