Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
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Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
an airline just for babies.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
War & Peace
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.