HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
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Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
#catsoftwitter
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan