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The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.