wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
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me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.