TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.