Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
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I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.