Solving a traffic jam
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Lmao 🤣
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
looks legit
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show