The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*