If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
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Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp