Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
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1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
🤣🤣🤣
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.