[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
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Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Oceanography is all about current events
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god