Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
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CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
this makes me so uncomfortable
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.