Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?