I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
You Might Also Like
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
They’re the worst 😩
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
This is so me 😂😂
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.