My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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