*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means