My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
What a kind woman! 馃槀馃槀
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly