Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
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me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Boating season is upon us.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.