Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
You Might Also Like
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Not even remotely sorry.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
At least he brought enough for everyone
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?