Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
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[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”