Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I love you…
…r dog.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Fidel Castro was alive?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Is anyone gonna tell them?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”