I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
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I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
i hope my email finds you on fire
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .