I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
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nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.