fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*