When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
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If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Art by Pastelkatto
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1