imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
You Might Also Like
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’