“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
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5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
それは草