Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
You Might Also Like
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
lmfao come on
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?