A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
You Might Also Like
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
The Birdles
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Mornin. * use accordingly
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.