My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
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Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
This guy gets it.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Tell the colonel to bring it
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH