Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.