me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
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Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.