People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
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Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Risking my life for fun.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today