You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
(Musicians.)
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit