[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed