me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
You Might Also Like
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
The sacred texts.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Confused owl: What?!
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no