firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”