All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I hate when that happens.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish