My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
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A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.