I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
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she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Worth the read.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
This made me chuckle.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.