I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
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Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.