Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
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(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Choose your fighter
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
mmm onion ringos
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong