[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
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🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.