GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods