8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this