[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
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I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Xylophonist Shredding It
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”