Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
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My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.