Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
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*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.