Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this